Do You Divorce Ex And Relatives?

There’s an interesting change of dynamics that takes place once a couple decides to break up or get a divorce.

Those two people are no longer interested in hanging out with each other, or talking as much to each other but what happens to the other relationships that were formed because of that relationship or marriage?

A book "Growing Through Divorce" that I read talks about how many relatives will feel like they must choose a side while others will reach out in order to maintain a relationship.

Part of the heartbreak of a divorce is the possibility of losing relationships that have become a major part of your life.

I have people on my ex’s side who still call me cousin, auntie and niece. And there are people on my side who still refer to him as brother-in-law, cousin and uncle.

In fact, on the day I was moving out of our home, my nephew called my ex "uncle."

One of my cousin's after he finally saw me after the divorce said, "Cuz, I’m sorry about the divorce, but when I see him, I’m still gonna be like what's up man cause he was a cool cat."

"Great," I tell him because I know that my cousin liked my ex and just because we got a divorce doesn’t mean that he stops liking him.

There are people on his side who I established relationships with over the 14 years who make it clear that they want to stay in touch. They say they want to hang out. They want to be cool just like before.

And I encourage people on my side to maintain a relationship, if that relationship really meant anything to them.

I have to admit that it’s really hard trying to figure out what to do with the relationships that were developed before and during a marriage.

Some people have counseled me to just go on with my life.

"You divorced him, so you divorced his family."

I don’t necessarily subscribe to that mindset, but there is definitely a difference because of the whole crazy, awkwardness of it.

Some people have said there would be a reason to stay connected to his family if we had kids together.

I don’t agree with this either. A child didn’t have anything to do with the relationships that I established in his family or for the relationships he established in mine.

Interestingly, in our divorce papers, dog visitation is allowed.

What really got me thinking about the relationships established because of me and my ex's relationship is how Carmen Electra, our dog, responded when I dropped her off for visitation.

Carmen likes to ride in the car, so when we set out from our home she had her nose out the window as usual. I talk to my dog, so I told her earlier that morning that she was going to see her dad.

Yea, that’s her dad, and I’m her mom. :)

When we pulled up in the driveway, it seemed like an excitement filled her 45-pound body and once my ex appeared in the door, she couldn’t contain herself.

She had not seen him in a couple months, but it was clear that she knew exactly who he was. I hurried to move out of her way so that she could get to him.

She does a doggy cry and jumps on him as he rubs her stomach. She is excited as ever.

Nah, we don’t ALL live together anymore. But she hasn’t stopped loving him and responding to him the same as she did when he would come home from work.

It’s good to know that some people on my side of the family will be excited to see him, and it’s good to know that some people on his side will be excited to see me. I think those are true relationships that are worth maintaining.

So should you maintain relationships with people’s relatives after a divorce if you were friends before? If no children were involved, does it matter? Does it matter more when children are involved? What are the difficulties of maintaining a relationship with ex in-laws? If you love someone in your ex’s family do you stop loving them after the divorce?

Share your comments here or e-mail me at choosingmrwrong@gmail.com.