There is recipe for happiness in a relationship. I’ve often heard it at bridal showers as each woman gives advice about what will make a marriage work.
You hear stuff like, "Don’t go to bed angry," "Communication is key" and "Have a lot of sex."
There’s even a Happy Marriage Recipe.
It requires:
4 cups of Love
2 cups of Loyalty
Dash of Faith
3 cups of Kindness
4 cups of Understanding
1 cup of Friendship
5 spoonfuls of Hope
1 barrel of Laughter
Pinch of Forgiveness (no substitutions)
Dash of Thoughtfulness (not optional)
But what about attaining a happy, healthy relationship before marriage?
Experts at AskMen (yep, this didn't come from a woman's magazine) say that there are two important factors to people breaking up in the first place. This includes happiness and stability.
There are equations that will help you determine if you are really in a happy relationship.
The first is OUTCOME = REWARDS - (COSTS x 5)
Experts say that every social interaction provides rewards and costs. A reward brings pleasure and a cost is anything that is unwanted. Also anything that causes frustration or distress is a cost.
It is also important to weigh negatives more strongly than positives, so it’s not that you are negative as you may have been called in the past. It’s just you are human.
To make up for each negative, there needs to be five rewards. For some reason, this got me to think about a person’s love tank in the 5 Love Languages. The book says it’s important that the love tank does not get on empty. Maybe while dating this is called the Like Tank.
But back to rewards and costs.
If a woman is on a date with a man and he is very attentive, compliments her, holds her hand, talks of an impending vacation and likes a solution she came up for a problem at work but criticizes her new hair style, it’s a rewarding experience for her.
I absolutely believe this equation can provide perspective on a relationship.
It kinda goes back to what my mother has told me in the past. You have to weigh the good with the bad. If the bad outweighs the good then there’s a problem. However, there will be some bad.
The second equation is SATISFACTION OR DISSATISFACTION = OUTCOMES – EXPECTATIONS.
This one gets a bit sticky because it deals with expectations. And our expectations are based on our past experiences.
The example provided that if a woman is used to a rewarding relationship in which her former mates were handsome, intelligent and generous, she will feel she deserves good outcomes immediately in a relationship.
On the flip side, if she is used to a troubled relationship, a rocky road in a relationship will not make her head for the hills as quickly because she’s used to tough situations.
Hmmmmmm. I’m used to tough but as soon as things get tough I’m like hold up, wait a minute, whew, wait a minute, whew maybe I’m not cut out for this stuff.
So I’m not quite sure about this one.
The third equation is DEPENDENCE OR INDEPENDENCE = OUTCOMES - ALTERNATIVES.
The experts say this one deals with a woman’s perception on if she thinks she can manage without you.
This means that if she thinks she could have a better life with someone else, she’ll keep it moving.
By using the equations, it can be determined if you are in a
1.) happy, stable relationship
2.) unhappy but stable relationship
3.) happy but unstable
4.) unhappy and unstable
So after reflecting on the equations, what type of relationship are you in? Do you weigh the good and bad in a relationship? The 80-20 rule says you will only get 80 percent of what you need in a person. Do you believe in the 80-20 rule?
Share your comments with me here or e-mail me at choosingmrwrong@gmail.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment