Mental illness is real.
It's just as real as ailments that manifest physically, such as hypertension, heart disease and diabetes.
While mental illness isn’t talked about as much, particularly in the black community, it is something that should be addressed more upfront in relationships.
By no means, do I think that people should go around saying, Hello, My name is ... I work at ... and I'm schizophrenic but I do think that mental illness should be discussed fairly soon so that deception isn't involved in the relationship.
First let me define mental illness. It is a psychological or behavioral pattern that occurs in an individual and is thought to cause distress or disability that is not expected as part of normal development or culture, wikipedia says.
That doesn’t really help so here’s a lay man's definition.
Mental illness is a condition that disrupts what a normal life should be. Bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, anorexia, bulimia, post-traumatic stress syndrome, narcissistic personality disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, and all that.
I remember a guy telling me that he was dating a girl who revealed to him that she was on anti-depressants. With that information, he slowly tipped on out of her life. He said he noticed behavior that seemed odd and frankly he didn’t want to be bothered. Seems a bit unsympathetic of the human conditions, but heck, he had every right to make the best decision that was right for him.
But I got to thinking about his decision while watching Hoarders the other night. The show deals with people who keep everything. And when I say everything, I really mean everything. The episode I was watching was soooo sad. Two dead cats were found in a woman's home. It was awful and the people cleaning it out talked about the stench. I mean really, it was deplorable.
But what I couldn't help but notice is that the woman clearly had a mental condition. I’m not sure what it was, or what people call it but she clearly had a mental illness.
And while, I feel awful for the woman and her family, I have to say that I would run for the border if I learned that someone I was dating had the disorder.
I have people who are close to me who are married to people who suffer from depression and bipolar disorder. Depression actually is quite common among women, too.
And I look on with much love and adoration.
I think that if a person was taking their medication and seeking psychotherapy, I may be able to handle but honestly, I'm still not sure.
My thoughts about mental illness is likely part of the problem with people dealing with mental illness head on, but I'm just being honest.
Soooo could you date and or marry someone with a mental illness? Why or why not.
Yes I could - and I am. My boyfriend and I are expecting to get married sometime within the next six months and raise a family together. I think that what helps me know so much that it's going to work out is... we love each other for who we are underneath the mental illness. We're both mentally ill, so we know where each other are coming from. We have compassion for each others' illnesses. But more than that, we both want to live in spite of those illnesses, together. :-)
ReplyDeleteI have a mental illness. But I'm also a student, a daughter, a knitter, a friend, I have an active and happy life. My health condition is part of me but it doesn't define me. And I'm not looking for a "carer" when looking to date. I have a shrink, meds, a support network, and lots of tools. I'm functional, I'm happy and I still have lots to give the world, and to a partner.
ReplyDeleteI hate the idea of being ruled out for this, but on the other hand, I really can't be with someone who can't handle it. Oddly, I've found a few times that I'm healthier than the "non mentally ill person" I've dated. Sometimes the distinction is just those who've sought treatment and those who haven't. The upside is I'm very aware of what I'm dealing with, more so that "normal" people often are.
I guess in a nutshell, I'm just saying think twice, people with mental illnesses are individuals just like everyone else. There's no "obligation" to date us, but don't rule us all out either. I'm not any less marvellous because of it.
what i have found in being with someone who is impossible is that there are values i hold that can't be compromised for anyone. i want to get married and make a life with someone dear. he can't even throw away the trash. it's a cyclic get together, break up, get back together, break up. nothing has changed, except my bouts of anger and frustration have become something i don't like about myself anymore.
ReplyDeletei realize that i can't accept certain things. most of the time, i think he's giving mixed messages because he's feigning his condition. there are many people who don't want to work or take responsibility for anything. it's the dream life for some: spending days idling about. he also can't keep his eyes off other women. a big deal breaker. it's the combination of cumulative hurts and the abandoning of my dreams that is making me leave. i have given him my all, but it will never be enough. he's not capable of being independent (his family has him in conservatorship). very very sad.
Wow, you're a jerk to judge someone on their health condition and not who they are as a person. How would you feel if you were in a relationship, got sick and someone just walked out on you because of your health? Yes, I would date someone with mental health problems. I'm not a superficial person... clearly the opposite of you.
ReplyDeleteI am a female dating another female who is Mentally Ill && This is probably the most interesting relationship ive ever been in. My Gf Has Post Tramatic Stress && She is Bi Polar. We Fight like Cats && Dogs Day && Night. We break up About 3 times a week && She Accuses me && Gets mad at me for the wierdest things. Sometimes i cant help but to think she makes things up. Everything is VERY one sided with her && We tend to only focus on her issues && whats going on in her life. Im not gonna lie its definately NOT a picture perfect relationship && It can make you feel like you wanna give up very often. Stressful: YES Frustrating: YES Is it for everyone: NO But do I love her: HELL YEA! (: Just bec she has a mental Illness doesnt mean i Look at her any different. she's Beautiful inside && out. I know alot of people dont understand our realationship && How im able to deal but i just keep in the back of my head that its not entirely her fault. Under all the things i first mentioned about our relationship, Theres this sweet Girl who loves me for me with every ounces of her being && that girl probably pops her head out a couple times a day but thats enough to know its all worth it. I love her.
ReplyDeleteamazing post everyone, thank you for sharing. This is helping me to make some choices about what to do with a girl i care about.
ReplyDeleteI am so sad today. I have become involved with a man who is suffering all the time, mentally and emotionally. He was like this when I met him, but, being a recovering alcoholic, I tend to date men who are sick in the same way or in some other way. I told myself over and over that he can get better. At this point I think we are making each other much sicker, even after only 5 months, because we are both sad all the time but addicted to each other, too. I am afraid that no one else is going to make him go get his psych meds regulated, or notice that he's sleeping all the time, or that he neglects everything in his life, and he will end up crazy and alone, and lose what shared custody he DOES have of his 4 and 7 year old children, whom he loves so much. Sometimes I get angry because he has hurt me so many times, emotionally, but then I realize how ill he is. I have bipolar disorder and so does he, but my meds worked pretty well before I started seeing him. My psychiatrist told me 3 months ago to stop seeing him, and I didn't. It's just another manifestation of my addiction. I am ready to move on and get on with my career and my role in my own family, but now I'm terrified of what's going to happen to him.
ReplyDeleteI am married to a man with mental illness. I never knew until I was pregnant with my third baby. He left me and wouldnt even speak to me. Months later I found out he was put in a facility for a while. Its been two years and my husband still lives with his mother and I dont even know his diagnosis. It hurt because he never smoked before this happened and now I know its more than 3 packs a day. He doesnt call or text for days at a time and when he does come its for a very short period of time. I cant deal with it anymore. I filed for divorce months ago but have not sent my paper work back because he was my first love and all I ever knew. What do I do??
ReplyDeleteThat's so unfair! I'm so sorry you had to go through with that... there are so many people who unethically go around pretending there are normal and dating normal, compassionate and patient people and messing up our lives!!!! It doesn't matter what a person has, be it autism, depression, bi-polarism, etc. THE SHOULD TELL YOU IF BEFORE GOING INTO A RELATIONSHIPS! They are just going around messing up people's lives, and have other people putting all the their energy and effort into forming a healthy union with them, when in fact the problem is them having an issue/disbility/illness that they unethically held back and did not tell you about it. IT MAKES ME SICK!!!
ReplyDeleteRecently, I started dating a guy with mental illness. He admit that he is mentally ill, right from the very beginning. Already in our short time together its a
ReplyDeleteBeen quite trying. Not sure, how I feel about staying in the relationship. What I do know is that we both care for one another.
I have been dating a man with a mental illness off and on for 12 years. In the beginning it was wonderful, I didn't think a thing of it because well he was primarily spanish-speaking and I spoke both languages. In the beginning he was much more social, interested, attentive, blah blah, however as the years passed he became progressively more introverted, impatient, and odd. We'd broken up a few times, and I ended up moving to a nearby state. That's when things got more odd.
ReplyDeleteHis behavior towards me grew more aggressive/repressive in extremes. He became very void of affection, emotion, however from the beginning he was never very good at expressing any sort of emotion other than laughter or anger. Oddly enough he easily can express himself with children and works with them as a paraprofessional, has been one for 15 years, but among his peers he struggles to engage in any lasting personal relationships, even with his 2 sibling sisters. I am probably the only person who has stuck with him in friendship faithfully this long. He lives with his mom, and she's the only person he can manage living in a house with for any extended period of time.
2 years ago he finally came out and confessed to me that he had mental health issues, and was suffering from a long time addiction with marijuana. Initially we thought finally, the huge elephant in the room was gone and I could help/encourage him to get through some important upcoming stages with the addiction since he needed to make the decision to enter a facility for treatment. Unfortunately in our case I think that only served to make things worst. I was the accountability agent without ever knowing it because with me he knew he needed to be on his best behavior. Likely the reason why he stopped being consistent in the relationship. However, once he told me, I became another person who knew, and who he had to deal with checking up on him to make sure he was taking his meds, and trying to encourage him to go to the facility to get treatment.
I'd separated from him for a few years, had met someone else, had a child, etc. It was 2 years ago when he re-entered my life and we consequently came to the point that we're at now. I love the man dearly, and I have long forgiven him for not being honest with me from the beginning.When we first met I don't think he really knew how to communicate his situation or that he would ever need to communicate his situation because he was accustomed to being a loner. I think over the years his growing need for therapy and his subsequent engagement with a therapist has helped him to come to the place where he communicates a LOT better, despite the emotional imbalances he increasingly seems to face.
I am not disclosing his complete diagnosis, however I will say that it takes a certain kind of person to commit to sticking with an individual with mental health disabilities. Outsiders would never even know he had a disability because he's friendly enough, gainfully employed, responsible with his finances, pays his bills, works out faithfully, and travels whenever possible. Yet us insiders know the challenges he faces being in a room with people he's unfamiliar with, being prepared to leave almost as soon as he arrives to a destination whether it's ten minutes away from home or 4 hours away. Struggles and is almost unable to commit to anything outside of a long established routine. Yet underneath many of these challenges, he's still the man who loves me more than any many has ever loved me, willing to drop everything to be present for a child that isn't his biologically, exceedingly generous, and capable of expressing himself profoundly and affectionately in private moments of intimacy.