My mind is racing. Heck, I feel like one side of my brain is in competition with the other half. The logical side says, "Go on about your business!" but the emotional side says, "Give him a chance!"
The conversation I had with Chris last night really makes me think he doesn't want to be seen in public with me. I have picked up a little weight. Well, I have actually picked up 20 pounds.
His conversation about falling on a tough financial situation threw me for a loop. We went out a few times when we first met but then it came to a screeeeeeching halt. I kinda figured his money was funny. Shit, who am I fooling? I knew his money was a full-fledge comedy act that had people doubling over with laughter in the crowd.
I may not feel as confident about my appearance after gaining 20 pounds, but I should be able to attract a man who wants to date me, treat me, take me out on the town.
Shit! He probably wants to just have me in his life for sex, but I have done the friends-with-boners all the time routine, and I really want something more.
More of what is the question, though.
More time, more sex, more money, more love, more patience, more understanding, more compassion. I just want more!
If Chris doesn't have the money to take me out, my financial situation allows me the wiggle room to pick up the tab.
I've only known him a month and I sure don't want to send the wrong message. I don't want to be the masculine energy in the relationship. I don't wanna have to pick up the tab ALL the dayuuuum time.
I'm attracted to him, and I am definitely not attracted to most of the men I meet.
Buzzzzz! Buzzzzz! Ding! Dong! Buzzzz! Buzzzz!
The alarm on my cell phone invades my deep thoughts. I try to give myself 10 minutes to sit and think with myself daily. That's what my high-priced therapist told me to do.
As I walk over to the mirror and greet my reflection, I am not feeling the best about my decision, but it is what it is...I am not getting any younger sooooo.....
I am going to give it at least 30 days. For now, I will pick up the tab, but I sure hope he gets a job soon.
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This was written in the voice of Denae, a character in "Choosing Mr. Wrong."
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