Sexy Sapphire Is Sore

I got a text last week from a friend who was embarking on a milestone birthday.

“Hang out wit me this Friday nite 4 my bday. One of my friends is having a pole dancing party. U owe me homie!” the text said.

OK, she’s right. I owe her because I didn’t go to a girl’s nite out party that she had at her newly purchased home.

I respond by saying, “OK.”

A pole dancing party sounds like fun to me so I am there.

She shoots back, “Details to come soon.”

As I go about my week, I can’t help but be really excited about the opportunity to pole dance.

Fast forward, Friday is here. I have a hair appointment and a mani and pedi appointment to get myself back tight. This is a feel-good ritual that I try to indulge in a couple times of month. An old boyfriend once told me that “if you look good, you feel good” and he’s dead on.

A co-worker comes over to my desk before it’s time for me to get off and get to my appointments. “What’s up for the weekend?” he asks.

Whew, did somebody just ask me 'what is up for the weekend?'

"Ummm, I’m going to a pole dancing party."

He laughs. I’ve got some appointments to get a transformation, I joke.

"So who are you becoming? Sapphire.” Dere it is, I think to myself. That’s going to be my name tonight.

And even though he’s still standing at my desk, my mind wonders off and I picture myself dancing like a pro in my gladiator high heel shoes, lace leggings and blue jacket shirt I have purchased for Sexy Sapphire's debut.

But first I’ve gotta get rid of this cauliflower growing from my footsies and change this curly ponytail I’ve been wearing into a sleek hairdo.

The clock strikes 2 p.m. and I’m rushing out the workplace to turn this pumpkin into a princess, ummmm Sexy Sapphire.

Hair is done. Thanks, I tell my male hair stylist and I rise from the salon chair completely satisfied with what I see.

On to footsies and hands. I plop down in the pedicure chair and stick my feet in the water.

I pull up my pants and discover that my transformation also needs lotion to be involved. I’m light skinned, but my legs have a chalk-like film that scream, you know you didn’t put on lotion this morning.

OK, OK, I know.

The guy who does my feet comes over to get started and I say, “Don’t talk about my ashy legs!”

“Your secret is safe with me.” And then he looks up and smiles.

I’m finally out of his chair and I have a lovely Easter pink on my hands and feet. Tah Dah! Buuuuuuuteeeful.

I rush home because the party starts at 8 and it’s 7.

I’m soon driving to the dance studio, and I’m excited. I’ve never done anything like this before and shoot, any one who knows me know that I like a good partaaaay.

I’m finally there. I jump out my car and head inside.

As soon as I hit the door, I hear, “She made it.” “You made it.” Yep, I’m a little late.

The dance instructor asks, “What is your name?”

Did she just ask me my name?

“Sexy Sapphire,” I blurt out quicker than my brain processed the information.

Oh, I’m for real. I am really Sexy Sapphire I smile on the inside.

OK, it’s time to start. First things first and the first thing is a sexy stroll. All the ladies are taking a stroll down one side of the studio and then stopping in the mirror for their moment. Everyone has on high heels, some cute but ummmm ummmm some ugly.

Some ladies get their stroll on – no problem. But some ladies act shy. “Ummmm, what did you come here for?”

Ahright, it’s my turn for my sexy stroll.

Oh, I’m walking slowly and ironically, the dance instructor said to touch yourself like you are putting on lotion. Ummm I can do that!

So it’s Sexy Sapphire's turn. I step onto the walkway and roll my head, play with my hair and act like I’m slowly putting on lotion.

I hear a few “gone girl,” “ohhh” “alright.”

But I don’t need any urging on. I’ve come to dance.

Next up is the sexy crawl. This dance is done on your hands and knees but slowly crawling but your legs are not under you, they are out to the sides. And you are also touching the floor in the sexiest manner you can.

OK, I’m in line. And it’s my turn and hey, I’m bout to do this.

Soon I’m on the dance studios’ wooden floors crawling. Put one foot, ummm knee, in front of the other.

OK, it’s over but that didn’t go so well. And like one of the women in the crowd asked, “When do you actually do a sexy crawl?”

The dance instructor said you can do a short one in your bed or if you are giving a lap dance, you can do the sexy crawl to your man. OK, but err ummm there definitely has to be carpet because that made my knees hurt.

Ahright, I’m back on my feet and it’s time for the lap dance session. I’m on it like bees on honey. My eyes popped out of my head and moved through the crowd to get a front row seat.

The dance instructor goes through a series of motions using one of the other women as a man.

She sashays over to the girl pops her legs open and dances around her in the most provocative way. Oh, yea, she’s good, real good.

OK, I can do that. I may need a couple shots of Tequila but I can do that.

But then she does something called the back bend.

What?

Oh, I like that. I really like that.

Soon, she is asking does anyone want to learn the back bend.

In my mind, I’m like the guy on “Welcome Back Kotter” Ooooooooo Oooooo.

“Me!” I say and walk over to the chair and the instructor.

She sits in the chair and provides instruction on how to use my hand to lean back into my man’s chest.

Oooooooweee, I like it. I like it.

Next up is the pole. Oh, I’ve been waiting on this for a lifetime.

The instructor dances around the pole and then she grabs the pole and does a swing. She’s holding to the pole but her body is situated like she’s sitting on a chair. Legs up and bootie poked out.

Oh, I gotta learn that. I just gotta.

So it’s finally my turn. I grab the pole just like she did and take a twirl.

Butt errr uhhh, it didn’t look quite like the instructor’s twirl. It was OK, but it was not like hers.

I soon get another chance. And Sexy Sapphire steps up to the pole and this time it’s a little better butt errr uhhh, still not like the instructor’s.

I see another pole free. It was three in the studio. I’m back on the pole again. Twirlie, twirlie, girlie.

Hmmmm, am I getting better or worse?

Ok, one mo gen and again and again. I was getting better, but you need more than lace leggings, high heels, a fresh hairdo and a new mani and pedi to pull this off.

It’s a workout.

At the end of the party, I ask the instructor for a card and about the fees for the pole dancing class.

I’m coming to take a class but my new name is Sexy Sap. I haven’t quite earned the fire!